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UK NHS to Cut Costs by Switching to “Four Stages of Mindliness”

The UK’s National Health Service (NHS) is going to focus attention on a new regime known as Mindliness instead of expensive diagnoses, treatments and medical solutions.

Mindliness means thinking your way through any “issue” or “problem” you may be facing, such as a common cold or appendicitis.

Instead of thoughtlessly presenting themselves to doctor’s surgeries or overstuffed crumbling hospital A&E departments, British people will instead be encouraged to telephone the low-risk non-emergency hotline 123 456. A recorded voice will remind them of the four stages of Mindliness, which are:

  1. Chin up!
  2. Give yourself a hug;
  3. Mind over matter (you’re really okay);
  4. Actually, there is a medical solution. You should have come in yesterday. Its not our fault.

Patients who reach stage four will have self-classified as an emergency by passing out, thereby removing the need for needless triage, and saving the NHS even more money.

This was signed by chief strategist, known only as “The Blondmeister” who is credited with coming up with many money saving strategies for governing people, such as the “In It Together” plan which helped Britain firmly establish itself as the most unequal country in Europe.

Other Blondmeister strategies include “We’re not kicking you!” and the award winning benefit reduction plan “Shamed to death”.

About Ted Patience

Ted Patience writes satirical articles for The Global Herald. Content written by Ted is satirical in nature and therefore any facts asserted are works of pure fiction.

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